Saturday, 25 April 2015


After spending most of last summer in water of all kinds, Felix has suddenly
decided that he loathes the paddling pool and is none too keen on his bath either. Clinging, crying and hiding his face from the sparkling fountain, I stood bewildered by his sudden fear of the water. Whilst other children frolicked merrily my former water baby wept bitterly as I carried him towards the pool, refusing to dip even a toe into the shallows. Deciding that the best policy was a slow re-integration I left him alone to play happily on the grass, wondering if perhaps curiosity might get the better of him. The next visit was the same, and whilst the children of friends splashed happily Felix continued to cling and cry at the merest suggestion of a paddle. What on earth has happened to my fish?
This behaviour is part of larger emerging pattern. It is as if Felix has suddenly discovered fear as a concept. Previously he was a mustang; throwing himself into new experiences without a second thought. Nowadays he is more of a thoroughbred, volatile and easily startled. It is anyone’s guess how he might react to familiar experiences and people, burying his face in my shoulder at the sight of a smiling face or howling as we arrive at his favourite playground. Deciding it was time to seek some advice I googled 'toddler fear of water' and lo and behold a multitude of entries popped up. It turns out that a sudden fear of water is common in toddlerhood and is part of a new awareness of the environment. The brain of a toddler is a complex affair, able to conjure up terrifying scenarios based on assumptions that adults can find impossible to comprehend, and as yet unable to rationalise these fears into real and imaginary. One article suggested that the fear of bathing may relate to him realising that water swirls down the plughole and concluding that he too may be swept away. Seen through these eyes the paddling pool is petrifying indeed; packed with shrieking children firing water pistols and running madly through the water, a veritable battleground for a newly aware Felix. 
With this in mind and armed with advice to treat these fears as valid and proceed with patience and understanding we continued with the softly softly approach. Thankfully after a few nights of fun filled baths the fear of the tub seemed to ebb. The paddling fear was harder to tackle, but after several attempts I am delighted to say that Felix has been successfully re-christened. Amphibious once more we have surged into the swimming season with daily trips to the paddling pool on Dukes Meadows to soak up the glorious spring sunshine, united once again in our love of water. 
We too are about to find ourselves in a strange pond, for we have finally succeeded in finding a flat with a garden and a second bedroom that doesn't cost the earth, but it does mean a move away from our beloved environs of W4. Teddington beckons! I feel somewhat as Felix may have done, full of trepidation yet also curious and elated. Change hovers in the air like the Northern Lights, a flickering spectral light show that surges and glows and is swiftly gone. After nearly a decade in our current abode there is a curiosity shops worth of junk and treasure to sort through, and the size of the task is
daunting. Every day while Felix naps I sort through drawers and cupboards, pullling bags of old magazines from under the bed and finding myself engrossed by ten year old articles on home decor. Our flat has slowly but surely been filled up with mementos; handpainted shakers from Greece, novelty kettles and enough frames, canvases and photographs to fill the Tate Modern. It has become clear that we are both avid collectors of curios or curators of clutter, depending on your viewpoint. Sorting through this mountain of stuff is exhausting but therapeutic, and deciding what to keep, what to give away and what to bin is my current preoccupation. A life laundry is underway, and as I riffle through old university essays and photographs of holidays long past I feel like a snake shedding several layers of skin. A delineation between the past and the future marks the present as a time of limbo; and whilst I long for the day Felix has his own bedroom and I can retire to bed of an evening with a book and a cup of tea, not to mention open the door of the kitchen and release my darling boy into a grassy haven, I also mourn the time that is gone forever. A butterfly emerges triumphant from the cocoon, but the caterpillar it once was can sometimes miss the safe, dark seclusion of the home it has painstakingly built.

Thursday, 9 April 2015


Standing in the endless drizzle on an unreasonably dreary Good Friday, watching Felix play a repetitive game on the merry-go-round, I got to thinking about the meaning of parenting and life in general. The park was practically deserted; just a few damp dog walkers and our little group braving the elements. It seemed the whole world was shut up inside enjoying a lazy afternoon while we watched our energetic toddler get on and off the roundabout, as intent as a marathon runner in sight of the ribbon.
Faced with such repetition the mind tends to wander, delving into darkened passages of thought where cobwebs hang thick and laden with dust. What is the point of it all? Is it just a way to kill a tedious afternoon, a few hours closer to nightfall and ultimately to death? Such morbid thoughts sidled across my mind as I felt my jeans go from mildly to moderately damp. 

Things have been somewhat up and down recently. I have suffered an unforeseen professional setback, upsetting my pleasantly trundling cart and sending my apples rolling in all directions. Out they tumbled, rosy spheres winking merrily as I scrambled to retrieve them, knowing it was fundamentally futile. I am suddenly confronted with a crossroads, one side falling away to a gaping chasm lined with slippery indecision and the nagging sense of urgency coupled with confusion. Which way to turn? Leap or stay put and hope for a miracle? And if not leap then stand transfixed while the ground crumbles away beneath, revealing a cruel precipice and a sheer drop to oblivion.  Resilience - according to the experts - is the primary quality that unites successful people. The ability to take bad news and setbacks and turn them into fuel to the fight is of critical importance. Normally I am fairly robust but this time I have felt crushed, wishing fervently that things would right themselves without my having to make the mammoth effort to pick myself up, dust myself off and launch myself back out into the unknown. 

Meanwhile Felix continues to grow and develop, picking up an occasional new word and slowly but surely becoming more independent, more delightful, more able to play alone. This comes as a welcome relief as in his exuberant excitement at everything around him he has often been unable to focus on the toy or game in front of him, a toddler with the attention span of a fish and the energy levels of a puppy. His latest acquisition is daffodil, pronounced daf-a-doh, revealing his ardent love for the bright yellow flowers that have sprung forth all around. On the edges of Dukes Meadows, our favorite haunt on sunny days, clusters of yellow heads nod invitingly, whilst every entry and exit to our home is accompanied by my blooming tete-a-tetes, the miniature daffodils that are so perfectly on Felix’s scale. Over Easter we managed a brief and much needed escape from the Big Smoke to the wide open spaces of rural Wiltshire, and Felix was in Seventh Heaven. ‘Daf-a-doh’ he exclaimed as we pulled up to our lodgings, pointing at a row of splendid sunshine yellow trumpets. Lambs gamboled merrily in the pasture while their milk-swollen mothers bleated aggressively, cherry trees puffed up pink with blossom and birds singing their hearts out in the sudden sunshine. It was all a picture of bucolic perfection
and yet a nagging sense of anxiety stalked me like an abandoned cat, tearing me from the present into a purgatory of worry. ‘It’s swings and roundabouts’ - the phrase echoed annoyingly through my mind all day long as I tried to sort the clamouring thoughts into some kind of order. I have never been entirely sure of the exact meaning of the saying, and having asked several friends all have shrugged their shoulders. For the purposes of accuracy I looked it up, discovering a succinct clarification that encapsulated my present dilemma. ‘Gains and losses that offset each other’. Perhaps my recent setback is actually the dawn of a new era, one that leads to a future of emancipation via the gathering of new skills; as the dictionary says ‘What you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabout’. 

Easter Monday dawned blue and crisp as a freshly laundered sheet, sky high and arching and dew steaming off the grass in the morning sun. As Felix wriggled from my grasp and ran over to a patch of custard and cream coloured daffodils, the cheerful friends who pave the way from early spring to early summer, he whispered to himself daf-a-doh, and I took a deep breath and inhaled the joy of his new word, realizing it was a small yet vital step towards self expression, to communication. Thank Goodness for words, these magical squiggles that represent our thoughts and dreams, that convey sadness and heartbreak, that express delight and wonder and awe, and that allow us to share with one another the joy and pain of living. Language, how I love thee! Sending forth my missives to the world, lighter in heart and mind once they are freed from the tangle of my mind to the clarity of the page. And so I ask you; what does it all mean, where are we all headed, what should we be doing? It’s swings and roundabouts my friends.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015


At long last the seasons are on the turn, winters spell is loosening and the green shoots and sap of spring are rising. The sun is high and proud in the sky by 7am, an immense relief for every parent with young children. The cruel midwinter days of dark mornings and early sunsets are behind us, and each day seems to stretch and lengthen like one who has been long asleep. As the sun comes out of its winter hibernation so the dozing bulbs nestled in the damp earth respond in kind, poking green shoots curiously above ground. Already snowdrops have appeared, white skirts fluttering in the February gusts, harbingers of the coming spring. Each year when I see those clusters of white bells, delicate petals defiant of winter’s still steady influence, I feel myself on the verge of happy tears, wanting to kiss the sacred earth and all that lives within her. They are the messengers, the outriders, the ones to test the waters, and once spotted it is not long before others come to join the party. All of a sudden crocuses gleam like purple velvet amongst the greening grass whilst the sunny faces of daffodils wave a cheerful salute, all the colours of sunshine in their open smiles. It won't be long before the glory of bluebells spreads through woodland glade and shady copse like blue fire and the branches of cherry and apple explode in a cloud of blossom.

In our home too spring is making its presence felt. After a long season of neglect I have finally seized a naptime in order to plant out the window
boxes, and each time we leave the house we are waved off by a host of cheerful tete a tetes, whilst blue and white hyacinths crouch within their deep green sleeves, poised to emerge and bless anyone that passes with their divine scent. I love that hyacinths are actually cultivated bluebells, and as I peer into the tightly furled center of the flower I feel their connection to the woodland that spawned them, a hint of bark and the unmistakable scent of leaf mould, that fertile and self replenishing compost that is the envy of every gardener. Perhaps we really are creatures of spring, for in the past week or so Felix has morphed from angry bear to delightful faun, his face alive once again with smiles and laughs, the horrors of sickness and tooth pain and tantrums past, for the time being at least. He wakes as the morning sun floods our bedroom with its welcome rays; no longer must we turn on lights just to combat the darkness of night.

Donald Winnicots child development classic ‘The Child, the Family and the Outside World’ suggests that babies are like bulbs, complete with all the information and materials they need to grow and develop. Originally published in 1964 his words still ring true, and thanks to the gigantic strides since in genetics and unraveling the mystery of the genetic code, we now know that in fact each human is pre-programmed to develop in their own unique way, that even pre birth mother nature is busy putting the finishing touches on the tiny person that will emerge, red and wrinkled and screaming into the world. Winnicott makes the comparison to a spring bulb in order to highlight both the incredible sophistication of the embryo but also the importance of nurture in order to facilitate and encourage its proper development. No flower - however hardy - can survive without some amount of water and light. Even a cactus in the driest desert must receive a tiny amount of rainfall, which it collects and stores in its perfectly adapted body. So too is the infant child a bulb of infinite potential, all it’s future contained neatly in the velveteen shell of baby skin. We as parents must ensure that it receives all it needs as it grows steadily upwards from a prone pupae to a plump and crawling infant, and up again to sitting then standing then walking toddler, child and adult.

Even on the coldest, darkest, meanest days of winter, Felix and I headed out into the weak grey light like worms crawling up through the earth. One blustery, miserable day when any excuse would have sufficed to stay safely indoors we emerged defiant and wrapped in waterproofs from head to toe, and damned if we didn’t have the time of our lives. Felix bellowed with laughter as the wind snatched the hood from my head, wrapping strands of wet hair over my face like thin blonde snakes, and watched wide eyed as the wind swirled leaves and litter high into the air and whipped the river into an angry grey soup. It was the kind of day that would blow even the sturdiest umbrella inside out; with a sly and viscous rain that crept into sleeves and down collars. As we struggled home along the river path, wellies gleaming with water, I felt I must be mad. Why take a child out into such weather? And then he looked at me with eyes shining, plump cheeks reddened with cold and nose streaming, and I knew he understood. That night he slept as soundly as a mouse in its winter nest, warm and dry and snug. Dreams scudding with petrol blue storm clouds, thrilling with whipping winds, and racing with swollen rivers of beaten grey water. Now that spring stands poised like a ballerina in the wings, tracing green onto the brown, sprinkling tiny buds on stark winter branches, and dusting off her palette of pastels and jewel shades ready to sweep them over the battered landscape, we vibrate with the memory of harsh winter days and welcome her arrival with fervour borne of knowledge.

Friday, 20 February 2015


This may have been the most difficult entry I have yet written. Not because I’m particularly struggling to express myself but because things are changing so fast I feel I’m sprinting just to stand still.

With the new year came a new working pattern. I now work Mondays at a gallery in Chelsea and Fridays and Saturdays at another in Marylebone, thus for the middle days of the week I am with Felix. On gallery days I flick gleefully through the wardrobe and construct an outfit that falls into my own invented category of ‘art smart’. Oh the joy of skirts, of dresses, of bright silk scarves and actual jewellery, none of which get a look in on mummy days. Flitting between two beautiful galleries makes me feel like a butterfly, rejoicing in my brilliant colours and lightness of being. I have learnt to apply makeup whilst feeding Felix his breakfast, performing a kind of reverse striptease of getting dressed item by item whilst checking Felix is not causing irreparable damage, but it a small price to pay for my flights into the delirious world of fine art. It's a wonderful ratio; three days at work, four at home, but it does come at a cost. Despite my newfound earnings the London market is such that we are still cooped up in a flat that seems smaller by the day, and at times the weight of the four walls seems to press in on me, crushing the delicate wings and bringing me roughly down to earth. Less a butterfly, more a hermit crab in desperate need of a more commodious shell.

The other tectonic shift is with Felix, whose mercurial spirit makes him impossible to predict and tricky to manage. His development is as swift and his about turns as agile as a hares; going from purring delight to wailing banshee in the blink of an eye. An illicit item wrestled from his ardent grip results in screams of fury, whilst removal from the playground means a sit down protest. Forget the scorned woman; hell hath no fury like a toddler denied, and some days it seems like every word is a negative entreaty; no, stop, let it go, come back. He has entered a phase that is as complex as it is confusing, and I would be lying if I did not admit that it can be a struggle to stay in control. There are extenuating circumstances, for example the appearance of several new teeth, many of them molars. For anyone blissfully unaware of tooth pain, google an image of a teething toddlers skull. Combined with this has been a nasty bout of gastric virus that spread like wildfire. Looking after a sickly child whilst feeling like death yourself demands the kind of selflessness I associate with nurses in war zones, and the Florence Nightingale act does not come naturally to me.

That aside, Felix is doing what is very natural and normal for a child of almost 17 months, testing boundaries. If you consider that for the first year of life you do absolutely everything for your baby; feed them, clothe them, carry them around, choose their toys, put them to bed. Suddenly they are learning to do things for themselves and the fascination of trying new things, of exploring a wider world, blinds them to all the dangers around them. Left to their own devices a toddler wouldn’t last a day; stairs, roads, knives, even more innocuous things like heavy books, doors, harmless small objects to put in your mouth and choke on…sometimes it seems like death is but a whisker away. The battles come when their natural curiosity meets your protective instincts, resulting in a fierce and sometimes frightening reaction called a tantrum. It seems the so called ‘terrible twos’ can rear their gargoyle head a lot sooner than the name suggests, leaving you speechless as your cherubic (looking) boy leaves a trail of destruction in his wake; picking up every stick and piece of litter, refusing to get into the buggy, pulling books from shelves and hurling his previously favoured food all over the kitchen. Someone once said that owning a horse is like digging a pit and throwing all your money inside; if so then owning a toddler is like throwing everything you own into a pit and having to excavate it from the mud, several times a day.

In many ways this is probably the most challenging time with Felix to date, yet I feel we are poised on the brink of a breakthrough. A comet poised to streak through the sky, dulling everything around with its brightness. His vocabulary is developing and bona fide communication is around the corner. He is like a fabulous and untamed wild beast, eating placidly from your hand one day, trying to bite it off the next. And yet there is a gleam in his eye that speaks of real understanding, and a wicked sense of humour is making its presence increasingly felt. He has started to invent his own games and jokes in which he takes immense and contagious pleasure, including a kind of prototype hide and seek that we call ‘Where’s Felix?’ He is what people call a spirited child, and with that comes both pleasure and pain. At times I have wished for a quieter, more patient child, one who could sit and play with a toy for more than two minutes without wanting to zoom off in pursuit of the cat or to steal a boot from the hall or start trying to swing the door back and forth on its hinges. But then as I watch him jigging frantically to Buddy Holly, his current obsession, taking sneaky sips of water from the bathtub, or crying out with heartfelt love ‘baaaa’ as a big red bus whizzes by, I realize that he is already a person of fervent passions. No meek and mild child for us, I’ll take the tiger any day.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015


I used to think of the period between Christmas and New Years Eve as a kind of no mans land, a barren valley between two soaring mountains. Surely it was pointless; why all that time off in midwinter when it would be better spent in summer, lolling in meadows and lazing over picnics? Oftentimes I would have to work in the intervening period, as the gallery would open the day after Boxing Day. Secretly I didn't mind, finding work a tonic from all the so called relaxing. 

People would drift in drowsily, distended Christmas bellies ponderous before them, ears ringing with jollity, nose chafing with three day old Brussels sprouts. Their relief at getting away from their nearest and dearest was so obvious as to be laughable, and as our eyes met a flash of understanding would pass between us. 'Shame you having to work at this time of year' they would exclaim, meaning instead 'you lucky sod, you've managed to get away from the madding crowd under this thin veneer of work'. 'Oh yes indeed' I would reply, arranging my features into an appropriately mournful expression, 'No rest for the wicked'. Thus having satisfied social convention we could resume our respective reveries. Eventually an exasperated spouse or familial troop would arrive, exclaiming in maddened tones 'We didn't know where on earth you had gotten to!' Thus the recaptured prisoner would follow their clan back out into the cold, casting a wistful glance back at me propped behind the desk, resplendent and solitary.

Felix has changed all that, bringing the barren valley to life with a swathe of glorious vitality. We were lucky enough to have two full weeks off work, and thus an almost unbelievable period of time stretched before us. We met up with old friends, taking a leisurely walk in a wintery Hyde Park, babies in tow. We made long overdue social calls, staying later than intended and luxuriating in the knowledge that there was nothing to rush back for. During Felix's naps we lazed about, drinking tea and watching TV. For a while it seemed like the sand in the hourglass had slowed to a trickle, and life occurred at a more manageable, natural pace, more suited to the care and nurture of a toddler. Felix reveled in having us both around, playing with his Christmas gifts and toddling about the house in search of mischief. As baby proofing our flat is impossible, we have instead had to teach him what he can and cannot touch and which areas are no go. This leads to endless tantrums, for what a toddler wants to do most is open and close the doors of the heavy wooden sideboard, playing Russian finger roulette. Products left around the bathtub are another bone of contention, all those colourful bottles, surely all toys?  

The only time I felt the weight of listlessness and ennui I associate with the Christmas holidays was on the final weekend of the fortnight. After a rollicking time over New Year, spent with great friends in a sleepy Essex village, eating, drinking, and making merry, we returned to a cold and sad flat, feeling deflated. No more fun plans left to fulfill, no more escapism, just piles of washing that had been left undone and work to prepare for. It was classic Sunday night apathy but spread over a whole weekend. Somehow we made it through the tedium and on Monday morning it was Hi Ho off to work we go, Felix safe in the care of Baba Lila. Cycling along the river, sky as heavy and leaden as only January can muster, I nevertheless felt the weight of lethargy slip away, as free and light as a helium balloon even as the damp cold tried to slip into my bones and steal my nose right off my face. This sudden change in mood set me to reflecting on the nature of energy flow, and the role that this plays in achieving equilibrium and harmony. Perhaps what we need as humans is a change of pace every now and then, a slowing down in order to focus on family, on friends, and most importantly on ourselves. Time to stop and stare; time to share with loved ones, to break bread and stay up late and take wandering walks and sit gossiping in cafes. Perhaps this is why, when I really think about it, the Christmas holidays are in fact perfectly timed, coming - in the Northern Hemisphere anyway - during the very coldest, darkest time of year, just a few days after the Winter Solstice. If they came in mid summer, all we would want to do is lie about in the sunshine or take ourselves off to the coast, all the better to enjoy some carefree lolling and lazing. And that is all well and good, but what Christmas does is the very opposite. It is a time of hibernation, a time to reflect on the past year and the coming one, a time to rub along with family in whatever shape or form it comes and pay homage to the ties of blood and marriage. In years past I have found this a struggle, resenting the intrusion of familial duty on my largely carefree, self structured lifestyle, but Felix gives the whole thing a new focus, and I have been overjoyed by how much more meaningful and memorable Christmas has been with him by our sides. 

Yes, there has been a sad lack of lie ins, and in fact a distinct lack of the kind of wonderful self-indulgent laziness you can only have pre-children, but I wouldn’t swap all the lie ins in the world for the bright eyed boy that woke us on Christmas day just just like any other. I have come to appreciate that Christmas really is all about children. To behold Christmas through their eyes, to see them intent on the little train set that goes round the bottom of the tree, hypnotized by the Christmas lights, to guide their little hands while they fumble to open their presents, as likely as not more interested in the wrappings as what’s inside, truly it is magic. And then, when it’s all over and it’s time to get back to normal, to the ordinary everyday routine of work, or childcare, or whatever it is we do between Monday and Friday, that too is a relief, for no one can sustain Christmas cheer all year round. Lo and behold, just when the traditional holiday apathy reared its ugly grey head, the sand in the hourglass started to speed up once more; going from a trickle to a flow, and the time came for normal life to resume. 

"Christmas is a togethery sort of holiday" said Pooh
"That's my favourite kind" said Piglet, "Togethery and Remembery"

A.A Milne


Sunday, 28 December 2014


On Wednesday 3rd December 2014, Felix walked for the first time. In the drained paddling pool at Ravenscourt Park, codenamed Big Blue, he dropped the helping hand and took off. Freedom at last!
One small step for Felix, one giant leap into toddlerhood. Although I was not there to see it – oh perils of working motherhood – I was sent a video of him galloping across Big Blue chasing dried leaves, glancing up at a passing train with all the insouciance of one who had been walking for years. Sat in a cafĂ© in Chelsea, clutching my phone like a talisman, I wept sudden hot tears of happiness and pride. The robust and kindly Italian proprietor brought me my lunch and a few tissues to mop up my tears. ‘You OK?’ she inquired sympathetically. ‘‘My baby just walked for the first time!’ I replied, voice tremulous with emotion ‘Is beautiful!’ she exclaimed, bosom heaving with empathy, and promptly went to the kitchen, returning with a hunk of bread to dip in my soup. ‘Eat’ she instructed, watching as I replayed the video endlessly, ‘He still walk when you come home’. 

In reality Felix has been walking for weeks, since before his first birthday, but only with the aid of a walker. The purchase of Barker, his beloved black and white dog walker, was a pivotal moment. From the first instant Felix saw him they were inseparable. In their weeks together Barker visited an ancient stone circle in Avebury, became a veteran of TFL – attempting a bid for freedom on the Overground and careening into a sleeping commuter - clocked up countless rounds of the park and once almost fell in the River Thames. It was a very touching friendship
but after weeks of Felix refusing to walk a single step unaided we began to worry that the dog was impeding his development. Thus, the major step of confiscating Barker was taken, but Felix just replaced the handle of his walker with the hand of parent or grandparent. This went on for several more weeks, becoming an exercise in frustration for all parties. After attempting to limbo under playground equipment and being dragged under low hanging branches I started to lose patience. ‘Walk, damn you!’ I would shout, letting go of his hand, whereupon he would stand as rooted to the spot as a child playing musical statues, howling with indignation. 

I would love to know what finally gave him the confidence to simply walk off, but it is and will remain a mystery. Since that afternoon however, we have not looked back. Far from making things more difficult I have found the ambulant Felix an utter delight. His glee at his own motion is contagious. His ardent, occasionally wobbly steps are as beautiful to me as the most graceful ballet, but it is the look in his eye that melts my heart. A mix of concentration, pride and joy lights up his little face as he adds new moves to his repertoire; 180 degree turns, ascending and descending the curb, overcoming obstacles such as cushions, toys and the cat, all these are currently underway. One of our favourite haunts boasts what could be very loosely described as a tiny maze, basically just an area of box hedge that has been cut into. Into to this disappears Felix, giggling uncontrollably, and I follow suit, creeping up on him and shouting BOO at the top of my voice, eliciting bellows of helpless laughter. Is there any sound sweeter than the burbling giggles of a toddler? All the angels in Heaven could never match its clarity...I could write an entire blog just about the sound. 

A new chapter has begun, and reading back older entries I realise I have been waiting for this moment with bated breath. We are poised on the brink of great adventures. On a brilliant day in early December Felix and I took the bus to Richmond Park, a mission that involves a steep slog up Richmond Hill. As we arrived at the park gates I was somewhat out of sorts, Felix demanding release from the buggy, me sweating heavily despite the cold. 'Why am I doing this?' I thought to myself, yanking the buggy over grassy hummocks that seemed determined to impede our progress. The afternoon sun slanted low over the parklands, golden rays glowing against the vivid blue of the winter sky, and as I pulled Felix from the buggy a lone stag stood silhouetted against the lowering orb. The morning's frost lay undisturbed in secluded corners, and we found ourselves crunching over a carpet of crisply frozen leaves. 'Oh' said Felix, lifting his boots higher in surprise at the unexpected texture. I picked up a frosted leaf and held it in the sun, where it glittered icily like a cluster of diamonds. We explored paths and wooded glades where the frost lay blue and treacherous underfoot, stopping at a bench that stood aglow in the saffron rays of the setting sun. Side by side we sat, crunching on breadsticks and crackers, watching as the molten gold bled into the horizon. Almost immediately the chill of night descended, the fragile warmth of a winter's day ebbing with amazing speed, and we hurried back to the buggy. Birds were settling in their roosts, calling out in twilight song, and as we approached the gate an owl hooted nearby. A strange light waxed in the distance and then, as if on cue, a gigantic orange moon rose solemnly in the west. 'Moon' I said to Felix. 'Look!' 'Oooooh' he said in reverential tones, eyes fixed on the yellow cheese that climbed steadily over the trees. 

Don't tell me the sky is the limit, there are footprints on the moon! Dorothy Parker

Tuesday, 2 December 2014


Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store.

I have recently been reading Tom Hodginson's 'How to be Free'. This little book is essentially a manifesto on how to combat the evils of modern life and to live a freer, simpler, more authentic life with much less money and much less work. It is probably the perfect book for me to read right now, seeing as we are living on less money than ever before and I am working fewer hours than at any point in my adult life. And yet, I am on route to being happier than I have ever been, albeit in a different kind of way to years past. I am glimpsing the beginning of a new dawn, a way of life that involves less work but work of a higher caliber. I am rejoicing in my gallery Mondays, rediscovering all the skills I used to take such pride in and adding to them. It is a very busy place, very demanding, and at times I feel pushed to my limits. It has been a long time since I have felt so stretched and though it is tough it is wonderful. 

What gives the day its clarity, its extra dimension, is rushing back to put Felix to bed. My route takes me right along the river path from work to home, and as I race alongside the jet black Thames, the cold winter air bringing roses to my cheeks and tears to my eyes, my legs pump the pedals with determination knowing that each push brings me closer to home. There is no feeling like racing back to your baby, fulfilled by a good and honest day’s work, arms aching to hold the solid warmth of your child, to cradle them and bathe them and read to them, to lay them in the cot and sing the bedtime song, to stroke their hair while they surrender to sleep. I love knowing that the next day I am just mummy again; all the glamour and excitement of the gallery replaced by a very different kind of challenge; raising my son. Tights and dresses and leather boots are replaced by grubby mummy jeans and wellies and waterproofs, and honestly I would rather be in the damp wintery playground than anywhere else. I would give it all up if I had to but to have both feels very close to Heaven. Truly my cup of contentment runneth over.

We have endured hard times; the road has not only been rocky but at times nearly fallen away. We have clung tenaciously to our dreams, to our love, to what we value, tightening our belts repeatedly and to the point of pain, all for the love of Felix, and at last I feel a shift in the flow of energies. Things are becoming easier; the weight of worry that has dogged me since pregnancy is starting to lift. I'm like a hot air ballonn, as ballast is cast off I feel myself floating ever higher, soaring into the clearness of the cerulean sky where I know I belong. Felix is absolutely full of love, his wish to hug and kiss everything around him, the cat, his books, his favourite tree, even a strangers dog, proves that a lack of cash means nothing. He has no inkling that we have skated over some very thin ice money wise, he has not suffered or been deprived and is an exceedingly joyful child. Of course you need enough money to buy food, to provide shelter and toys and warmth, I am not proposing that genuine poverty is anything other than dehumanising, but all the other stuff is just window dressing, baubles that glitter enticingly but deliver little added value. We are all three of us still in one small bedroom, but now that he sleeps solidly through the night those tortures are over. Yes, I miss reading in bed. In fact, I miss doing anything in bed other than sleeping. We creep into the bedroom at night and in the morning are greeting by a hybrid of the Cheshire Cat and Tigger, an ecstatic, bouncing grin. There is no escape, we are as tightly penned as the Three Men in a Boat, but there is a special intimacy to still sharing a bedchamber, a closeness I have learnt to treasure.

The living room has become just that; our space for living. It is Felix's playroom and our lounge, it is where we read, where I write, where we play music, watch films, talk and entertain friends. Thank goodness we inherited two massive sofas from friends moving abroad. These double as daybeds and guest beds, the cat uses one to sprawl on after a night on the tiles while Felix commandeers the other as a platform from which to observe the outside world. The cross-species love affair between Teddy and Felix continues apace; Teddy placidly accepting Felix's rapturous hugs and drool-heavy kisses. He has surrendered his space and dignity to the force of the baby, showing incredible restraint as Felix bashes him playfully with a toy hammer. 

With less than a month to go before Christmas I am more excited, more joyful, and more content than I have been for a long time. I have started squirreling gifts in drawers and behind furniture, clearing the decks in preparation for the purchase of a small but fragrant Christmas tree. I am in thrall to the alchemy of Christmas, to the twinkling fairy lights and glowing candles, the warm reds and golds, the cool blues and silvers, the feeling of anticipation, of coming together. With Felix's passion for colours and lights I know that this Christmas will be an explosion of sensory delight like no other, and the best part is I can indulge myself in creating a festive wonderland all the while claiming it is for him. Haha! Finally, the infamous Toy Nativity will have a properly adoring audience. But even if all that were to be stripped away, if there was not a single gift under the tree, even if there was no tree, this would be a magical Christmas. Christmas with a young child is
Christmas reborn. You can, you must, once again believe in Father Christmas, and leave him something to eat on his grueling rounds. Oh the joy of Christmas morning, Felix awakening with no idea what awaits him, eyes widening as he opens his gifts. If I could ask for one wish to be granted this Christmas there is no doubt what it would be...Oh Yea Gods of Weather the sledge awaits! Truly we are dreaming of a white Christmas! Bring on the blizzard, or even a dusting of frosty flakes with which to make a snowball. I want to see Felix's face when whirling white flakes fall from the sky, watch his nose wrinkle as one melts, to hear the crunch and squeak of fresh snow under foot. To experience afresh the wonder of winter. To suspend all disbelief and believe wholehearedly in the magic of Christmas once again. To be a child with him.